Fighting PPP (Pedantic, Plodding Prose) Rule Number Three: Remove repeated analogies and metaphors

Sometimes you are so inspired by an image you unconsciously use it to describe a setting more than once.  Perhaps there is an aspect of your character’s personality that reminds you of a past memory so you refer to it multiple times.  These things happen. 

However, a repeated analogy or metaphor will give the reader pause, perhaps even cause them to go back to re-read an early part of the book.  Anything which takes the reader out of the moment, and forces them to think about the writing, and not the story, is PPP.  Part of careful line editing includes searching out these repeated metaphors or analogies, and using them just once in the novel.

“I noticed the words ‘Patchwork quilt’ were used three times in the first three chapters.” – Mike from Authonomy.com

Mike was right.  In the original draft of SEEING MAGIC, I’d referred to a patchwork quilt three times in the first three chapters.

In chapter one:

“The pilot droned on about the meal they were about to start serving and the movie which was to follow breakfast but I stopped listening.  The red canyon turned into green forest and then back into another patchwork quilt of farmland.  Then we flew over a cloudbank and there was nothing further to see except my own reflection.”

In chapter two:

“I decided pajamas were an unnecessary luxury.  After stripping off my shoes and jeans and bra, I collapsed onto it.  I pulled a soft patchwork quilt made out of many pieces of flannel and sighing, fell into a dreamless sleep.”

In chapter three:

“After running through my nighttime routine and changing into some pajamas I settled down in the small antique armchair Aunt Rose had placed in the corner of her bedroom.  It had a small table and a floor lamp stationed on either side so it was the perfect place to curl up with a good book.  She had even supplied another old patchwork quilt as a throw.”

After consolidating chapters per step one of Battling PPP, I ended up with one reference to a patchwork quilt at the end of chapter one:

“Opting against pajamas, I collapsed onto it, pulled a soft patchwork quilt made out of many pieces of flannel over me, and sighing, fell into a dreamless sleep.”

I removed the word ‘patchwork’ from the scene in chapter two so it read as follows:

“She had even supplied another old quilt as a throw.”

By eliminating the repeated image of the patchwork quilt, I maintained the flow of the story, instead of allowing the reader to get hung up on the image of a patchwork quilt.  It’s just another step in battling pedantic, plodding prose.

Fighting PPP (Pedantic, Plodding Prose) Rule Number Two: Remove overused words and other common grammar mistakes

Once your opening paragraphs have grabbed the reader’s attention, the next step is to keep that interest going.  Nothing will turn readers away faster than bad grammar and plodding prose.

In the original chapter one of SEEING MAGIC I’d used the word WAS/WERE fifty-five times.  In just one paragraph, I’d used it eight times.  In the same paragraph, I used the word COULD three times and IT five times. 

BEFORE:

After twenty minutes it was clear that the crisis was over. I’d wiped up my brother, tossed the used wipes into the baggie, zipped it up and gave it all to the nice lady who was rapidly becoming less nice. I opened the ginger ale and convinced Corey to take the pills. I made him take three, just to be sure. Even though it was daytime, Corey was slumped on my shoulder, snoring softly. If I was lucky, he wouldn’t wake until we were three thousand miles from home. I reclined his seat back a notch and pulled my seat all the way upright. I took the pillow given to me by the flight attendant and tucked it into the little niche I’d created between the seats. Then I settled Corey into the niche so I could get my shoulder back. I probably should have given him the window seat since there was a smaller chance of nausea if you could see the horizon but he’d insisted that he wanted to sit in the aisle so he could easily get to the bathroom.

AFTER:

The crisis lasted almost twenty minutes.  I cleaned my brother’s face, tossed the used wipes into the baggie, zipped and handed it to the nice lady who was rapidly becoming less nice.  Opening the ginger ale, I convinced Corey to take the pills.  He slumped on my shoulder, snoring softly.  Hopefully, he wouldn’t wake for three thousand miles.  Reclining his seat back a notch and pulling my seat all the way upright, I took the pillow given to me by the flight attendant and tucked it into the little niche created between the seats.  Then I settled Corey into the space and retrieved my shoulder.  He should have taken the window seat since there was a smaller chance of nausea if you could see the horizon but he’d insisted on sitting in the aisle so as to be closer to the bathroom. 

Other common mistakes are as follows:

Using the same word to start sentences

Using passive verbs instead of active verbs

Using vague and abstract words

Run-on sentences

Fragmented sentences

Ending sentences with a preposition

Thanks to Susan Warren Utley and Rebecca Postupak from Shenandoah Valley Writers for sharing the link to an amazing tool.  Pro Writing Aid can analyze your writing and provide unbelievable insights into common writing mistakes.  It is my secret weapon against PPP.  Many of the features are offered for free.  Even greater insights can be achieved if you buy a subscription.  See http://prowritingaid.com/ for more information.

Fighting PPP (Pedantic, Plodding Prose) Rule Number One: Get to the Good Stuff Sooner

“You’re trying very hard to get us all the info in the dialogue, but since it’s so obvious, it’s just not working.” – Sabina 

“The [descriptions] take up a lot of space and don’t seem important to the story…it is a bit long and dull.” – Chris 

“Some of your paragraphs, especially the more descriptive ones, are a little long.” – Lucy 

“Dare I say it, condense things a little.” – D. J.

 

These comments from fellow writers on Authonomy.com, plus similar advice not listed here, convinced me to adopt step one.  Forced to identify the main conflict in SEEING MAGIC, I reevaluated the first eight chapters.  Then I cut anything which wasn’t absolutely necessary to introduce it.  Afterward, I went back and added tangible action sequences to the beginning. 

Originally SEEING MAGIC began with seven chapters of backstory before Evan reveals the existence of magic to Maggie.  Those chapters were as follows:  

Chapter 1 discussed the night before she travels.  Maggie says goodbye to her friends and argues one last time with Mom.  Parts of this chapter were funny although not relevant to the main conflict, but Maggie’s fight with her mom provided important background.  It became a one-page prolog after much editing.   

Chapter 2 described the flight across the country where Corey throws up from motion sickness.  This chapter was supposed to establish Maggie’s deep sense of responsibility and love for her younger brother.  I condensed it to a one paragraph discussion with Evan.   

Chapter 3 covered the drive from the airport to Corey’s camp, and then to Fiona’s cabin in Cacapon.  This was supposed to describe the environment, aka the setting, in great detail.  I spread the setting descriptions throughout the book.   

Chapter 4 showed Maggie on her first night in Cacapon highlighted by Fi’s evening pagan ritual and weird noises which frightened her.  This chapter was supposed to introduce a sense of mystery and suspense, but the new prolog sufficed.   

In Chapter 5 Maggie experienced her first day working in the garden, where she heard more noises, and had a bad dream in which she’s chased by monsters through the corn field into her mother’s hospital room. 

Chapter 6 followed her second day in the garden where Maggie meets Buach, a Sidhe, who tries to kidnap her, but Evan intervenes.  

During Chapter 7 an accident in the library leads to meeting the magical House Brownies.   

Finally, in Chapter 8 Evan reveals the existence of magic.

 
Now SEEING MAGIC has a one-page prologue where she fights with Mom.  Tension and conflict are intertwined with backstory in 292 words.  In Chapter 1 Maggie arrives in Cacapon and experiences weird rituals and noises.  During Chapter 2 Maggie explores the garden, talks with Evan, and has the bad dream.  In Chapter 3 Buach tries to kidnap her; she falls into the river, and the Brownies help Evan rescue her.  Maggie’s self-defense battle against Buach adds tangible action, conflict and establishes her character as strong and smart.  In Chapter 4 Evan reveals the existence of magic.

Here’s the prolog:

“I.  Don’t.  Want.  To.  Go.”  I shook my head back and forth. 

“You’re going.”  Mom set her jaw and her green eyes flashed, daring me to defy her further. 

My resolve started to falter.  I plopped down onto a chair at the kitchen table and asked the question which had been most bothersome since she’d made her announcement four days earlier.  “Why do I have to go away?”

She stopped drying dishes and took the seat next to me.  She sighed deeply and rubbed her hand over her brow.  “It’s time for you to meet the rest of your family…our family.  I used to think we would be better off if we stayed away from them...but circumstances have changed.”

“I don’t even know where I’m supposed to be going, and why aren’t you coming with me?”

 

“You’re going to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. Your brother is going to a military school summer camp in Woodstock, Virginia, and well, there are things I need to do here this summer.”

“What things?” I was less angry and more concerned.  “Let me stay and help you.”

“I don’t want you here.” 

Her words hit me like a slap in the face.  I jerked upright in my seat.  The chair slid backwards.

Her face fell and she reached out her hand to caress my cheek, but I tilted my head to deny her touch.  “I didn’t mean it like that.  I just need to take care of this alone…” she trailed off lamely.

I relented, but tried one last time to learn the driving force behind her decision.  “Can you at least tell me what this is?”

Her eyes wouldn’t meet mine.  “No, I don’t want to scare you.” 

Those words scared me most of all.

Thanks to all my friends at Authonomy.com for steering me in the right direction.

Intro: My Constant Battle against Pedantic, Plodding Prose

“This is really well written and polished.”  -- Pippa

“I've finished reading the entire story and it is one of the most addictive books I've seen on this site. I read the entire second half in one session tonight because the need to know of what happened next was so strong. It is a powerful Young Adult story that deals with a variety of coming of age issues which also has a fantastic fantasy and mystery element to it. There are many original ideas with characters that are interesting and quite unique.”  -- John

“Rated this 6 stars as I love the premise of the story so far, as well as your writing style and voice.”  -- Willow

“Great voice to introduce the story. Polished writing, descriptive but not wordy. I really like the premise of this story.”  -- Jillian

“I am loving this! You have this flair for drip feeding intrigue with perfect timing. You grabbed and kept my interest.” – Sue

“Your narrative is easy to fall into, the language matches that of a teenage girl so that we feel we know Maggie, we relate to her.  I've loaded it up with highest stars. This is an absorbing read.”  -- Zoe

These are excerpts from comments left on the writer’s website, www.Authonomy.com, about my first novel, SEEING MAGIC (www.facebook.com/seeingmagic).  There are approximately one hundred comments like this for my light-hearted YA fantasy.  The heaps of praise might be a load of bull because writers are always kind to each other, and therefore, lie through their teeth.  Nevertheless, I’d like to believe there is some merit to my humble tale, but I have a terrible dark secret which haunts me.

I’m ashamed to say I’ve never taken a writing course.  I majored in Computer Engineering and Computer Science in college.  Neither program emphasized the need for strong communication skills.  My AP (Advanced Placement) English test scores and my SAT verbal score allowed me to opt out of both English 101 and English 102, so I did.  I took a few literature courses, mostly in comparative mythology, but I never learned how to write well.

My life’s course took a sharp veer off the corporate path, away from cutting edge technology, when my first-born child was diagnosed with Autism, 9-11 happened, and my husband was fired from his job all within a scant few weeks.  He went into a fugue state, spending day after day on the couch watching foreign sports programs on cable.  All of my product’s clients either declared bankruptcy in the aftermath of the collapse of the twin towers, or they were subpoenaed before Congress to explain why they were defrauding their shareholders.  No one in the telephony industry bought test equipment that year.  Meanwhile, the Health Department wanted to send therapists into my home to set up an in-home therapy program for my son, and I couldn’t let them see the condition of my husband or my house.  When my company decided to make me part of the twenty-five percent employee lay-off in July 2002, it was almost a relief.  Eliminating my salary from the payroll meant that my two direct reports got to keep their jobs.  It was the right thing to do, but it destroyed my way of life, and my self-concept.

With both of us unable to find work, a mountain of debt, a huge mortgage, and a special-needs child, life quickly went from bad to worse.  By 2004 my second child was born.  He had Spina Bifida and we were homeless.  For two-and-a-half years we lived in a 1978 travel trailer with no shower, moving from camp ground to camp ground, or sometimes from Wal-Mart parking lot to Wal-Mart parking lot.  I tried to keep myself from going insane by reading books, since the camp grounds rarely got TV reception.  A Harlequin/Silhouette book cost $3.84.  I could afford two a month.  My favorite series was the Silhouette Bombshell series, where accomplished young women saved the day.  When Harlequin Enterprises killed the series, I started writing stories for myself, needing that escape into fantasy.

Finally, in 2012, I found Authonomy.com.  My first attempt at a complete novel was very rough, although at the time, I didn’t realize it.  With advice from fellow authors on the site, I learned how to write well.  It is this advice, using my first novel as a case study, which I now present to you.

Even if I’ll never be talented enough to have a successful writing career, you may benefit since these tips come not from me, but from many talented writers, several of whom are already published.

I use an iterative process, with seven steps.  I’ll be presenting each through its own posting, using examples from my case study.  They are as follows:

1.      Get to the good stuff sooner.  Add action and conflict in the opening paragraphs of the story.

2.      Eliminate overused words and look for other common grammar mistakes which impede the flow of the prose.

3.      Remove repeated words or phrases, especially repeated metaphors.

4.      Don’t start a sentence with a conjunction, and don’t end with a preposition.  Incomplete or run-on sentences confuse and distract the reader.

5.      Look for unnecessary words or phrases.

6.      Check for continuity.

7.      Repeat, as needed.

As always, feedback, suggestions, corrections or criticism is appreciated.

New author blues

On July 28, 2012, Chuck Sambuchino posted an interview on his blog, writersdigest.com.  He interviewed Evan Gregory of The Ethan Ellenberg Literary Agency, who said,

I’ve become rather bored recently with MG or YA fantasies in which the protagonist falls into, or suddenly becomes aware of, some magical otherworld that pulls them out of their humdrum existence. This trope is so shopworn, that it takes a Herculean effort on the part of the writer in order to make it fresh and compelling. Unfortunately for me, this sort of disqualifies 90% or so of the MG and YA fantasies authors write each year. So while I wouldn’t say not to send me your YA or MG fantasy with a magical otherworld, I would say to think very hard about what makes your otherworld better than all the Hogwarts, Narnias, and Wonderlands we already know and love before you prepare your book for submission.

I read this interview a few hours after I finished writing the first draft of the final book in my first trilogy, the Queen of the Night series, where (you guessed it) my main character travels to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia and finds out she’s descended from people with paranormal gifts, and her dormant gifts are the most powerful of all. 

Naturally, I fell into a deep fugue state of depression.  I’d spent two years of my life dedicated to penning this YA fantasy; I’d fallen in love with these characters and had grown invested in their success or failure.  Now, according to this guy, no one else would ever read and enjoy my story because the “trope was shopworn.”

How was I supposed to sweep an agent off of their feet and entice them into captaining my future writing career?  If I couldn’t attract an agent, how would my books ever reach a publisher willing to give me a fantastical advance for the publishing rights to my trilogy?  The truth hurt.  I wasn’t going to get those things.

As I continued to research my options, however, I began to notice a few things about the book publishing industry today that were different from my pre-conceived notions.  More and more authors were becoming vocal about how much work they did to bring their books to market, and how little their agents and/or publishers did, besides take all the profits.

I read more interviews with literary agents on Mr. Sambuchino’s site, and a pattern emerged.  The agents repeatedly said they only wanted submissions from authors who had a large fan base, say several thousand blog subscribers, had already become famous through some other means, and who had already finished everything necessary to launch a book.  A few articles suggested that the author submit their marketing plan along with their book synopsis or sample chapter.

New author websites sponsored by large publishing houses like HarperCollins (Authonomy.com) and the Penguin Group (BookCountry.com) require the author to submit not only the text of their novel, but a book cover comprised of artwork over which they have complete rights to reprint, a ten-second teaser, and a back-of-the-book pitch.  One web site, Swoon Reads, a subsidiary of Macmillian, requires that the author give them exclusive rights to the book and all associated materials for six months. 

This raised the following questions in my mind: what good are literary agents or publishers, then?  To launch my trilogy, I’ve designed my own cover, line-edited my own text, found my own beta readers, formatted it for publication and obtained an ISBN number through CreateSpace, obtained reviews and the rights to reprint them, written and designed all marketing materials, developed my own marketing plan, started a blog, created Facebook pages for both my author brand and for the first book in the series, and set up my own on-line and in-person promotions.  I would love to hear from anyone who can tell me what value a literary agent or publishing house can add to my process.

I realized one more thing as well.  The reason why ninety percent of book submissions are YA fantasies is because the world enjoys them.  My trilogy is set in a part of the country which has been negatively impacted by a poor economy for so many decades; poverty is a way of life.  A light-hearted fantasy which allows the reader to escape their lives for a short time, and to find a twinge of hope for a better future, will never go out of style.  I say bring them on, the more YA fantasies, the better.

That’s why I’m taking the plunge.  My first novel, SEEING MAGIC will be released next month in paperback and Kindle format.  Enjoy!